A hard realization May 26, 2004

How fragile is life;

We don't understand until it's taken

We take for granted

that which is a precious gift;

and we are angry when it's gone 

We always say it couldn't happen;

that it's only a distant chance

but the hard truth we have to realize

is that we are all vulnerable

to the thief that comes in the night

The Changing

where have you gone?
my sister, my friend.
you were so idealistic
when did that end?
now you're somebody different
someone i don't even know.
dreamer turned cynic,
why did you go?

who am I
that i'm left behind?
i've kept on dreaming
i've kept on singing
my love song for life
i miss my companion,
but i'm still here
trying not to believe
that the world's full of tears. 

Just a Shadow September 3, 2004

We are no longer children

It can never be the same

But different can be better

And love doesn’t wax and wane

I’m sorry for the things I’ve done

I regret some things I’ve said

I’ve driven us apart, I know

But our chances aren’t quite dead

So please take this tearstained page

Please take this tearstained heart

It may never be what it was

But we don’t have to be apart

It’s not easy laying down my pride

But here I am right now

Asking, begging, pleading you

Childish? 6-26-04

I can stare at a bird for an hour;

And marvel at how the feathers go

I can lie all day in the garden,

Just to watch the flowers grow

I could stare at the sky for an aeon,

If time would permit, that is

And look at the clouds and make pictures;

Look, a unicorn!  Look, a faerie, cloaked in mist!

I can look at the lightbeams dancing,

And say that theyre angels on earth

I can bask in the glorious sunrise,

And delight in each new days birth

I can look at the little frog hopping,

And give him a family, home, and a name

And when I hear the stream gurgling; its laughing,

Just because it is playing a game.

All musical notes can enthrall me;

Even in the simplest tunes

And nothing is quite so spectacular

As Gods nightlight, the new-risen moon

Each shady tree is Gods arms around me;

Enfolding me, drawing me close

In fact, the world is so wonderful,

I cant say what I like the most.

So go on -- you can call me a child,

Rush on, and call me naïve

Keep on your self-focused schedule;

But I, I will believe

If dreaming and marveling make me a child,

Then fine --  a child I'll be

But of you blind to beautiful dreaming

I ask, who's the child, you or me?

Sitting Around December 23, 2004

sitting around

empty and dark

full of fear

that you’ll never appear

hard enough

that you’re gone

I don’t need

this fear to heed

ignore warning

it’s a lie

strike to kill

climb another hill

kiss a picture

letter written

distance hurts

brusque and curt

imagine you

you’re not there

hold me

SAVE ME

One Love Two December 30, 2004

Can One love Two,
and Two love One?
or is only one love true?

Is only First a lover,
and Second but a thief?
but who was first?

Is first loved by One
First in love?
or must love be returned?

Does First or Second lie?
is either love full true?
are either or both deceiving?

No, no; it is One;
One is the true liar:
lying to herself and both.

Love No More  December 27, 2004

Pull my feet

Stuck in the mud;

In the mire

Of my foolishness

Such a foolish lack

Of self control

Has led me here;

To an unwanted place

O soul, O bitter soul,

Turn your eyes away from me

Don’t look at this girl;

Broken, lonesome….unclean

Let me go, I say

I don’t love you,

Not anymore, no more

Let me go, let me be

Let me live in peace,

I don’t want

To leave you;

But I think I must

Break myself away,

Away from you;

My very first love

But love no more. 

For One Unknown June 29, 2004

How do you see through me?

Somehow you look behind my façade

Not looking at physical signs;

Bypassing surface thoughts

You dive deep into my mind,

Dig into my heart,

Pull out what the truth is,

And soothe my brokenness

Your eyes cut through the fog,

And pull away the veils

Then you lift off the cover

And bare my soul. 

Xenoviv  July 27, 2004

The fire of this world

Beckons; pull me in

Calling like the sirens’ song

Enticing me to sin

I waver in my Christian walk

The world just feels so good

I know I cannot serve two masters

But if I could, I would

But that is when I realize

That this world is naught but foam

This life is only temporary

This Fear Within July 3, 2004

The flames come

And wrap around,

Like half-dead wraiths;

Pulling me down

The smoke clouds;

Clouds my mind

Fogs my brain,

And I can’t hide

The fear comes;

Traps me in

It binds me close;

My Breath August 21, 2004

You breathe out and I breathe in,

I breathe out and in again,

Drawing breath straight from you;

It’s such pure bliss, I’ll never move

Better than oxygen is your love,

Better than air is your hug,

Breath is life; it’s true, of course,

You’re the breath of my soul, my life-source

Life is nothing without air,

Thankfully, there’s one who cares,

If you don’t breathe, it brings death,

Jesus Christ, you are my breath

Decision August 27, 2004

I stand in the middle

I must make a choice

The decision of a lifetime

Is mine to make tonight

On the one side is my life;

The life I’ve always known

On the other is the future;

Dark and still and cold

Yet the future has a dawning;

A light, an enchanting glow

But still, the world is scary…

I should stay safe at home

But around me home is changing;

Soon it will be gone

I know I should get out, move on,

And yet, here I am: clinging

Clinging to the shredding bits

Of the life I’ve had and led

The future is exciting;

But it’s not what I had planned

Can I change my mindset

For a greater, awesome good?

Love stretches out a hand

All I have to do is grab ahold

Why am I hesitating?

I should boldly take that grasp

Something holds me back;

I will discover what it is;

And when I find it;

I will crush it

I want to take this chance;

No, I must, or I will fade

I will take that outstretched hand;

And banish all my fears

A Hard Goodbye September 11, 2004

Who knew

That it could be so hard

To say goodbye?

The waves are crashing

Sirens wailing

Confusion in my head

Then all goes silent

I must let go

It’s not possible

I will cling

I try to say it

But I can’t

I must be strong

Broken heart

Tearstained sorrow

Bleeding soul

I’m torn apart

I can’t breathe

Soon I’ll drown

I cannot say those words

A light dawns

I know a way

I don’t have to say goodbye

I dry my eyes

My peace complete

And I say

I love you

See Through Me September 23, 2004

Why can’t they see you

As I see you?

Why can’t they love you

Like I do?

Why can’t they forgive you

Like I have forgiven?

Why can they not just let go

Let us lead the life we’re living?

Why can’t they look through me

Though my vision may be poor

Why can they not see it?

Why can’t they look and adore?

Why can’t they comprehend

What I have with you?

How can they call falsehood

What I know to all be true?

Can a Broken Heart be Mended?  November 2, 2004

Can a broken heart be mended?

A broken spirit healed?

Broken trust refastened?

Or is the distance always there?

I know I’ll always feel the pain;

The hurt is here to stay

Perhaps time will dull the ache

Or shall it remain so sharp?

Can tears wash away sorrow?

Or merely make it grow?

Tears water spiteful seedlings

That grow as resentful trees

Does an apology make a difference?

Or simply restate facts?

Can resolution truly come of it?

Or is hurt stirred up again?

When a heart is broken

There is no way to return

So be careful how you play the game…

But play it: love is worth it

The Pain September 19, 2004

Apprehension

What is wrong?

Then the shock

My heart nearly stops

Then the sorrow

I brush it off

I run away

To hide and think

So confused

Why? Why?

I don’t understand

Can I understand?

Then a thought

It may not be what I think

I ask and wait;

In fear of the answer

I wait and pray

For what I’ll hear

Let it not be one thing…

But it is.

Red-hot jealousy

Reacts first

Then my fragile heart

Begins to tear

It hurts so bad

The ultimate pain

The heartrending pain

Of betrayal

My soul screams out

My heart is sobbing

But outwardly

I am quiet

Then, like a flower

Opening after a rain

I emerge

Begin to speak

But still, it hurts

Betrayal runs deep

Trust once broken

Is not easily regained

Forgiveness begins healing

Our love is strong enough

To withstand this

But the pain…

Killing Children November 2, 2004

Can’t you see you’re killing children?

Can’t you see you’re taking lives? 

Not something, but a someone;

And that someone is alive

You can make a choice

I’m not saying you shouldn’t

You can help your situation,

So don’t whine to me you couldn’t!

Don’t kill a baby for convenience

Don’t end a life and call it “choice”

Don’t say it’s a women’s issue

When murder wins, don’t rejoice

Killing children is a sin

It’s simply just not right

But they’ll keep on killing children:

Stand up, coward, and fight!

Fight for the right of life,

Fight for an unborn son

Saving millions would be good;

But t’would be worth it to save one

Peace October 18, 2004

Looming, overshadowing

Impossibility, mystery

Danger is exciting;

But danger still it is

Danger loses novelty:

Excitement goes away

All that’s left is danger

In a cold and heartless world

Smothering: I’m suffocating

Choking: I will drown

The weight of fear, the weight:

The weight upon my chest

I run and fall in darkness;

Fall blindly to the ground

But even as I close my eyes

There is a light ahead

Still I’m huddled tight:

I do not wish to be saved

Better to die

Than surrender pride

The glorious light

Sorrows at my folly

But when I will accept

The light will stretch out a hand

And lead me to peace

One of Stone December 8, 2004

One of stone,

Why so afraid?

There is naught to fear,

Be free of inhibition

Woman of stone,

Begin to animate again:

Stiff joints becoming looser,

Once again to move

Limbs of stone,

Reach out:

Stretch your to catch another,

Touch a finger to a life

Heart of stone,

Slowly soften:

It’s not so hard to love,

If you will

Soul of stone,

Unspoken, harsh:

Sand down broken edges,

And live anew

Thoughts November 15, 2004

Thoughts can be like treasures,

Glimmering bright as gold

Sparkling, winking diamonds,

That time cannot make old

Some thoughts are soft and pretty;

A lilac flower, a gentle breeze,

Beautiful and comforting,

Tho’ oft nobody sees

Some thoughts are old as stone,

Harsh and rough and bad,

These thoughts seem bold at the time,

But better not are had

Some thoughts are thought in secret,

A tunnel in the mind,

Fitting thoughts tight into a box,

And making one so blind

Thoughts are like the wind;

One moment there, then flown,

Choose all thoughts carefully,

What am I looking For? November 29, 2004

I run toward it;

Then look beyond

The horizon isn’t far,

But how far can I run?

I search within

And look among;

I examine the inside,

But it is never really there

Look in between;

Do you see it?

Is it wonderful and good?

Or will it ever work against me?

But as I search

A realization comes:

In the midst of the chase,

Another September 2, 2004

Another night

Of tossing and turning

Another day

With a runaway mind

Another time

With an uncontrolled passion

And I’m just trying

To find the way

I am confused

I need your light

I need your help

I need your sight

Lord search my heart

Am I still pure?

If I am then

Protect me

If I am not

Then forgive me

I just want

To find your way